We had just finished eating dinner. My second grader and I were sitting at the dining room table when he pulled a worksheet out of his Captain America backpack. It was the homework packet he had lost earlier that week. He took the initiative to replace it, which surprised me. He turned to the math homework and asked me to help. (THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN.) I was completely surprised and naturally happy to oblige.
He’s a lot like me. He’s a natural reader and artist, but if he has to try too hard, he’d rather not. Math is definitely not our natural talent. Just weeks earlier, I sat with his teacher going over his grades at a parent teacher conference. I expressed my concern about his frustration with math, and she said he was doing fine. To my surprise, she didn’t have any concerns. I chalked it up to the behavior paradox: the angel child at school who had meltdowns at home. After all, he is really rambunctious, and I know it takes a lot for him to rein in his Tigger-like personality.
Before we even started the double-digit addition, my son’s frustration began to bubble. I asked him calmly to read the instructions. There were five examples, each had progressively less clues. I coached him step by step through every problem. And at each step, he grew more and more upset and insecure.
I was confused. Why was he acting as if he couldn’t do this? His teacher said he was doing great in math! Frustrated myself, I raised my voice and said, “I KNOW you can do this! You’re smart! You do this in school ALL THE TIME!”
My half-child, half-teenager shouted back, “I CAN’T do this! I DON’T do this.”
“What do you mean you DON’T do this?”
“I DON’T DO IT!” He paused. “I CHEAT.”
I stayed quiet.
I asked him curiously, “How do you cheat?” Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I asked if he meant that he counts on his fingers. I really hoped that’s what he meant.
It wasn’t.
He looked down and said, “I don’t want to tell you.”
Again, I waited. Clever as usual, he began to spell out his confession so he didn’t have to say the words.
“I space L-O-O-K space A-T space P-E-O-P-L-E-S space P-A-P-E-R-S.”
Again, I stayed calm. I asked, “Every time? What do your friends say?”
“Sometimes they say, ‘No, no, no!’ but I still do it. I don’t want to get a bad grade or a zero!”
“You cheat every time?”
Now, with a little defiance in his voice, “YES. Every time. Since KINDER!”
Initially I was shocked and a little heartbroken. It saddened me to think that my precious little boy felt so much pressure to get good grades that he felt he needed to resort to cheating. But I also have to admit, part of me was a little happy. I was overcome with emotion that my eight-year-old confessed to me that he cheats at school. I would never have dreamed of telling my parents something like that as a child. I spent most of my childhood and teenage years trying to give off the impression that I was as close to perfect as possible. I didn’t have fond memories of working on school projects with my parents. I didn’t recall deep conversations that really made me feel like I could tell my parents anything and they would love me no matter what. And my parents sure never told me many details about the mistakes they made, if they could help it.
I savored that moment: my son confided in me. Maybe I was doing something right.
I think all parents reflect on their childhood and hope they can be like their own parents—or the complete opposite. They hope to pass certain things down to their own children and hope to do other things differently. In my case, ever since my first pregnancy, I knew that I wanted my children to be able to come to me when they made a mistake. I wanted them to know that even when I don’t condone their actions, I still love them no matter what.
I didn’t lash out. I didn’t make my son feel ashamed. It was obvious he already felt guilt and was embarrassed that he had such a hard time. I recognized that this is just the beginning of a complicated issue for us that will probably take a long time to resolve. We will have to boost his confidence, practice more math at home, talk to the teacher, and maybe get math tutoring. I explained that addition is important, and I even used it at work yesterday. He asked why I no longer have to do homework anymore, when I too had a hard time with math in school. I said I practiced and practiced and now I remember how to do it. I also assured him that I would much rather he always try his best and get a bad grade so we can get him the help he needs. I could tell he wasn’t convinced. If I’m being totally honest with myself, I’m sure my pep talk didn’t completely put an end to his cheating.
But this confession proved to me that my son felt he could tell me something about himself he wasn’t proud of, and that made me happy. That night, when I tucked him in, I thanked him. I thanked him for telling me something that was hard to admit. Yes, we may have to work on other things in addition to math, like integrity and taking pride in our work. But at the end of the day, my son came to me when he had a problem because he knows that I’ll help him with his struggle and love him unconditionally, and that means we’re both doing something right.
