Snowballing. Spiraling. Treading water, while barely keeping my head up. Running, without a chance to catch my breath.
That is how many of my days as a mother feel. If I stop for only a moment, I’ll be overrun by laundry, dishes, muddy paw prints on the carpet, bills that need to be paid, and emails that need to be answered. The dialogue constantly runs in my mind: Did I text that person back? Did I cancel that appointment? Is that Goodwill box still riding around in the back of my trunk? Oh, I need to look that thing up. Man, we’re out of trash bags! I better add those to my list. Oops, we were supposed to leave for swim class ten minutes ago.
It’s not just silly housework alone that overwhelms many of us. No, it’s everything together. It is finding and make healthy meals our kids will actually eat, being present at work, then being present at home. It’s trying to maintain contact with friends we love and need, who are also busy moms. It’s ALL. SO. MUCH. So much, that often when we are finally supposed to be resting, we lie awake instead, allowing our minds to race, imagining what needs to be accomplished tomorrow and the next day. So much, that if we make way for “me time” it’s coupled with the uneasy guilt of neglecting something that we know needs to be done. So much, that we’re constantly mentally exhausted by doing our best to make all the right choices and decisions for everything that affects our children. As a homeschooling mom, most days are hard enough just to get my child through school. And then there are the play dates, the birthday parties, the extracurricular activities. We have tried our hand at many of them: ballet, art, music, soccer. We have jumped from place to place wondering if one day we will discover her passion. I’ve become so consumed with managing her life, there is little time left for a life of my own.
What’s even worse is that some days I’ll ace my to-do list and find myself left with spare time, and then I’ll wonder: Should I be doing more? Am I allowed to sit and play for hours with my children? Sit and enjoy a book? Or is this—my downtime—when I should be building my online empire like those other moms who seem to do it all?
If you, too, have ever felt like this, I know you in some small way. I’ve walked a mile, or a few, in your shoes.
But this year, everything came to a screeching halt. I froze time.
I did not bewitch my life with some magic spell, although it felt a little like I did. What changed is that we had a baby. I took maternity leave; my husband took time off work. We paused all social interaction to protect the wee one’s immune system. Nobody expected anything of us. Suddenly, I became a bystander to the busy worlds whizzing around me. My social media feeds were flooded with “back to reality” memes and New Year’s resolution goals—every bit of the “go, go, goooooo!” mentality. As I scrolled through everyone else’s the hustle and bustle, I sat in bed and soaked up the “empty days.” I took time sipping my drinks. I sat in the stillness and stared at my baby for hours. I listened in on my daughter playing, and I played with her. I had long conversations with my husband. I expected to begin to feel stir crazy or lonely, but instead I discovered the wonderful and bliss-filled blessing of having nothing to do. My mindset changed, and it freed me. Instead of feeling guilt creep in, or calling myself lazy when we had nothing on our agenda, I actually felt accomplished on even my laziest days, for allowing my body to heal. I was supposed to be lying in bed. I was supposed to be staying home.
From where does the pressure come to be so busy all the time? Do I really have to return to the craziness? Life was so much more joy-filled while things were simplified. It was freeing, and surprisingly fuller. Why did I wait so long to slow down? If I’d never had another baby, would I ever allow myself to have a season of rest again? My husband and I cracked jokes that we’d probably never again spend this much time together—a whole month off of work!—until we retired. It was a joke that I started to take seriously.
While taking off the month of January, I watched Marie Kondo’s Netflix series. My husband and I saw the episode about the sweet woman who had lost her husband to cancer and was sorting through all of their possessions and memories of their life together. I wondered while watching, Had they waited until retirement to spend time together? Had they pushed aside their bucket list until the kids were grown? Now, she was left to do it all alone. What if we would make the same mistake?
That moment made me realize even more, how important it was that we slow down. Take more vacation days to just sit at home together. Save up money, not even to travel anywhere, but to just be together, with nothing else to do.
Two months passed, and I began to ease back into reality: back to teaching lessons, back to volunteering at my daughter’s co-op, back to seeing friends, back to the gym, back to swim class, back to work. With every activity we added, even the ones that bring me joy, there was also a slight reluctance to see our calendar fill up. Every new thing that came up, I’d ask myself, Is this completely necessary? If not, how can I get rid of it? The truth is, what’s absolutely necessary for our children, for ourselves, for our mental health, are more of those slow, do-nothing days. More days to enjoy activities with your children doing things that aren’t scheduled. More days to appreciate the home you work so hard to keep orderly. More days of loading up the car and spending hours at the park because you have nowhere to be.
So, I’m giving you permission, no new baby or excuse needed, and with no obligation and no guilt, to please slow down. Instead of worrying about what everyone else is doing, ask yourself how it feels for you. Take it from somebody who previously loved to be constantly in motion, who enjoyed the hustle until it stared to drag me down. Some things that we tell ourselves are so important, just don’t matter as much as staying in pajamas all day and ditching all of the activities on our calendars. I don’t plan on having any more babies, but from now on, I plan on taking some motherhood leave every year.
