I am the first person to give the sideways glare at a mom completely ignoring her kids in exchange for some screen time on her phone at the park or a restaurant even though I’ve been there and know how hard it is to stay in the moment instead of trying to escape.
Sometimes I have to remind myself: What am I escaping from?
My three ridiculously adorable children whom I love beyond measure? My comfortable life as a stay-at-home mom? My generous, loving husband who makes sure I get “me” time whenever possible? The truth is, my life is pretty awesome and I am beyond thankful for it.
But that doesn’t change the fact that mothering is flat-out hard. And being a mom, especially with babies and toddlers in tow, can be lonely and isolating.
Moms Are Lonely
Pre-kids, I worked at a small office with some great people. I spent Monday mornings catching up with coworkers about how the weekend went. Daily coffee breaks gave us the chance to chat about family or exciting news or challenges in life. And if I hit a stumbling block in my work, I had someone who would hear my heavy sigh of frustration and ask what was wrong.
Motherhood, on the other hand, is a lonely business. Mom life is missing all of those built-in connections and opportunities to high-five someone after a success or vent over a frustration. Even those of us with committed and supportive partners, can feel the emptiness of a day devoid of adult conversation and peer-to-peer connections.
Sometimes my kids drive me batty. Sometimes they do the most adorable things. Whatever is going on in my world, sometimes it’s nice to feel like someone else cares about the minutiae of diapers and boo-boos.
What We’re Really Craving
I mostly keep my phone tucked away during the day, which is why my friends know it sometimes takes days for me to respond to texts and a voicemail is likely never to be heard. But, the itch is there.
There are moments where boredom, excitement, frustration, and any range of emotion in between creep up. In a previous life, I would have met a coworker at the coffee pot for a few minutes of chit chat to refuel my emotional tank, but as a lonely mom I have nowhere to turn.
How can you be lonely and desperate for a moment alone all in the same breath? It’s seems illogical, but it’s reality for so many moms.
We all know that living in the moment is so much more important than the distractions on our phone. But when scrolling through Facebook or drooling over the perfect squares on Instagram gives us a breath of fresh air and a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the day, maybe it’s not such a bad thing to want to escape.
In those moments, instead of turning to the fickle world of Facebook or other forms of social media where a screen shields real connections from being made, I’ve put together a short list of alternatives that help me battle the lonely mom blues:
1. Go outside. Whether it’s in a park or in the backyard, Mother Nature has a way of lifting spirits. A little sunshine or even wind or rain can be the perfect way to reset a tough day or enjoy a good one to the fullest.
2. Phone a friend. I remember my mom gabbing on the phone while I was growing up and giving us the “don’t you dare interrupt” finger if we even looked her way. Even back then, moms craved connections. A quick phone call during nap time or a FaceTime call with Grandma during lunch might be the best way to connect with someone without ever leaving home
3. Keep a conversation journal. By the time my husband gets home from work and we get the kids to bed, we’re usually so wiped out that we turn into zombies on the couch for a few minutes before heading to bed ourselves. I can never think of anything to talk about, even though I’ve craved adult conversation all day long. So when I have a high or low moment or think of something random during the day, I write it down. That way there’s no shortage of conversation topics for later.
4. Talk to strangers. A few years ago, I made a commitment to not use my phone in the checkout line. Since then, I have met some of the most interesting people! It’s amazing what you can learn about someone and about life just by talking to a stranger for a few minutes. Next time you’re at the grocery store, park, or library, say hi and start a conversation.
5. Do something for others. I try to always look for opportunities to help others. My kids love helping to make a meal for a friend who just had a baby, send cards to someone in the hospital, or write letters to children we sponsor through Compassion International. Sometimes I just need a reminder that the world is bigger than my corner of it and my problems aren’t so bad.
6. Make plans. Moms are always busy, and sometimes we get so caught up in our own lives that we don’t act on making plans. Moms are notorious for saying, “We should get together sometime!” without following through. When someone says that, it might feel awkward, but I pull out my phone (for an acceptable reason!) and look at my calendar to set a date right then and there. I know that if we wait for “sometime,” it won’t happen.
Community and Connections
Knowing that we’re all starved for connections, I hope I can have a little more compassion the next time I see a mom ignoring her kids with her nose immersed in a screen. When I see a mom staring at her phone at the park, I’ll sit right next to her and strike up a conversation. When I see a mom buried in her phone while pushing a cart at Target? I’ll bump right into her and tell her, “You’re doing great, mama.”
I hope others can find some grace for me, too. We’re all in this lonely thing called motherhood together. And if you’re anything like me, all you want in the world is to be able to pee in peace and then celebrate that amazing feat with someone who understands.
Thank you. I needed this today.