Being a first-generation immigrant, I had never even visited the United States when I started graduate school at age 21. It was also my first time having to live on my own. It took me over a decade to get the hang of everything! And just when I had, then came my kids and a whole host of new things to learn. As time has passed, I have learned that underneath all of the stress and intimidation, it can actually be very fun to raise children in a culture different to yours. Now I want to share my experience with you, so you don’t ever feel alone!
Your Culture May NOT Be Your Children’s – and That’s OK!
Oftentimes, we become focused on making sure that our culture is passed down to our offspring. We want our children to grow up the way we did: kind of a “mini” version of ourselves. But (whatever we may tell ourselves) culture is not formed by one single mom, it is created by the surrounding community. Don’t be discouraged if your kids do not fully understand your heritage or aspects of your culture. This past summer, for example, I took my children back to Taiwan to visit our families. It was hot, the food was “weird,” and they didn’t understand the language. There was a lot of confusion and some whininess at times, but there was also a lot of fun and adventurous moments as well.
Parenting is already hard enough, no one should have to carry the burden and guilt of cultural heritage (or in-heritage) alone. After all, you are raising children in a different country with a different culture – and you cannot do it all. No one can!
You Are NOT A Horrible Daughter/Son if Your Children Are Not Bilingual or Trilingual
My parents do not have fluent English and my children do not speak Mandarin, and it seems I have missed the golden window for my children to learn Mandarin naturally. Do I wish my children could speak Mandarin? 100% yes! But my children need to experience different cultures and heritages, and language is just one part of that. Do my parents love my kids less just because they do not speak Mandarin? Of course not. They use translators. Family love doesn’t disappear just because of a barrier, whether that barrier is language – or distance – or something else. Your children will learn the language when the time comes and/or when they gain interest in it.
We Celebrate Both Cultures
One of my favorite parts of being a mom is that, in lots of ways, I get to be a child again. Growing up, my parents were not big on celebrating holidays. Now I’m an adult, I get to enjoy all the holidays and celebrations all over again with my children. And I love that I get to enjoy not just one but two sets of holiday celebrations!
At my house, we love to celebrate all the different holidays. We do Easter egg hunts and have created Chinese New Year decorations. We hand out Halloween candies to trick-o-treaters and red envelopes to our girls. We have holiday dinners on Thanksgiving & Christmas and Hot Pot for Chinese New Year. We do it all and we love it all.
The best part? You are the mom, so you decide how much you want to celebrate. You can let your inner child out and do it all, or take it easy and enjoy time with your family. The important thing is that you do YOU, and find a balance that works for and feels special to your family.
Changes Are OK – and Children Are More Resilient than You Think
As a parent, choosing the right education and school can be one of the most daunting things you have to do. In Taiwan, we have a completely different school system. On top of that, San Antonio has a LOT to offer in terms of education. Even after reading and studying all the school guides, you can still find yourself overwhelmed. Don’t be.
I was pretty clueless about where to send her and what to do when my oldest started kindergarten. One week into the school, both I and my husband realized it was not the right fit for her, and we had to transfer her out. It was not easy for my then 5-year-old daughter, who had been looking forward to starting kindergarten at the school for months and had just made friends at school. Thankfully the initial disappointment was resolved after two weeks at the new school.
It is NOT easy to find the “right fit,” and the definition of the “right fit” can change as your children get older. But my best advice here is that our children are much more resilient than we think they are. They can adapt to new environments and changes before we can adjust ourselves. Changes are not easy for kids, even the most outgoing ones – yes, they will miss their friends; but they will also make new friends.
Build Your Village of Support
It is true that “it takes a village to raise a child.” You may be alone in a different country with a different culture – but you do not have to do this alone. I have met many wonderful parents and family friends since I became a mom. They have provided me with tons of support during times of struggle, guidance when we’ve been lost, and laughter when we gather together.
It’s a blessing to be able to raise children in a multicultural family. Keep it fun, enjoy the different things each culture provides, and find your support system. As we approach the holiday season, I hope you find ways to celebrate it in a special and unique way that makes you and your family happy.
