Target Might Actually Be Heaven

I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and saw a post that got me thinking. You know, in a philosophical, what’s-the-meaning-of-life kind of way. Are you ready? You might want to sit down for this one. I’ll wait…

Someone asked why people love Target so much. What is it about Target that makes people so obsessed? (I think they might have been serious.)

I know, it took my breath away, too. But after I regained consciousness, it got me thinking. What is it about Target that makes me want to suit up for battle at a question like that? And then it dawned on me: everything. Target is the mom mecca for happiness on earth. Wait—maybe it’s actually heaven on earth. Maybe it’s an extension of heaven and then when we get to real heaven one day, it’ll all just be FREE! Oh, now I feel a bit more obligated to shop more regularly. You know, for God. But seriously, here is the rundown on why this actually might be true.

Because Target might actually be heaven, you must first start with a prayer. Put the car in park and bow your head. If you’re like me, the prayer goes something like this:

Dear Lord,

I need toilet paper and bread. However, I also need to watch what I’m spending and focus on my small list of necessaries. Yet, I know you brought me here for a reason. Give me the strength to find a good deal and please help me remember to grab the TP and bread before I leave.

Amen.

I slowly make my way to the entrance. The aroma…the atmosphere…oh my. I don’t know if there is an actual addictive substance being pushed through the air vents, but nothing says “buy all the things” like the first fresh step through those automatic (because who actually wants to take the time to use physical exertion at a moment like this?!), red double doors to happiness. You walk through, and the lights and aroma hit you like manna from heaven. In fact, there should be a Target candle scent of Starbucks coffee mixed with buttered popcorn. It has the power to turn those gray skies blue, catapult you to the other side of the fence (you know, where all that greener grass is found), and inspire you to change the world. Or at least buy all. the. things. It’s a scent that makes you want to rip walls out and add more rooms, simply to make more room for all the Hearth & Hand accessories in your basket. Which, obviously, we will revisit in a moment. But seriously, you can live your best life for hours inside the red bullseye as long as that smell is near.

And then, like a warm hug from your grandma, you are additionally greeted by the dollar bin. I can take my children into Target with smiles 100% of the time because of the dollar bin. Why? It’s multi-purposeful. It can act as a bribe for the older kids (e.g., “All well-behaved small humans may choose a $1 item at the end of this shopping trip!”). It can act as a pacifier (e.g., “Here, 19-month old. Hold this light-up squishy ball while I shop”). And it can provide you with must-haves that you didn’t know were even missing from your life.

For example, in a matter of seconds my daughter is inspired to work on her multiplication facts. Why? Three words: unicorn flash cards. And I believe her, because OMG, how cute, and also, $1. Boom—in the cart. I turn the corner and now I can’t believe I lasted this long without a faux succulent potted plant for my office desk. $3? How is this dreamy moment even possible? And this purple jumprope? Good lord, the quality is amazing. $3? I can’t possibly NOT put this in my basket. Plus, I needed a new cardio workout. I did Jump Rope for Heart as a kid, so how hard can it be to start up again? And then, eeek! Who can resist a $1 can of pineapple erasers? Certainly not I. So, in the cart they go and we just got smarter, more stylish, more toned, AND we can make pencil mistakes while be adorable doing so. SSSSSSOLD.

So after about 45 short minutes, we’re off to find toilet paper and bread win the day and make our home a happier, more beautiful place. I turn the corner and I’ll be darned if my favorite wine isn’t on sale. Why? Because God loves me and He knows that any appropriate shopping trip is only made better in a store with wine and throw pillows sold under the same roof. This must be heaven, you must be thinking by now. Yep, I told you. At $10 a bottle, you might as well be robbing the place. But, let’s not, because #heaven.

So I start again, heading towards the toilet paper aisle, when it hits me like a tons of bricks. Duh! I have needed new workout shorts for pretty much my entire life. Hooray, today is the day! I make a slight turn and head straight towards the workout section. Luckily, we have to pass the pajamas/loungewear because it reminded me that I love soft things and these pajama pants are THE softest. I prayed about finding great sales, and these just happen to be 10% off with the Cartwheel app (which is obviously another reason Target wins at life). Anywho, 10%. Who can argue with a deal?! In the cart they go and back to the search for more necessaries.

Obviously, I buy all the workout shorts because, y’all, these shorts are cute and I’m about to be VERY in shape. Target has the power to shape your reality. As I’m adding multiple pairs to my cart, it’s dawning on me that I could wake up early every morning, put on these super adorbs shorts, and get in a kid-free workout before my munchkins wake up. Might even do some meditation after that. (Read: Head on over to the yoga mat aisle and grab a cute new yoga mat because #newyearnewme can still happen in February. I had just been waiting for the right shorts!) In Target, everything seems simple and clear. I’m becoming a better person because of this very Target trip.

OK, ugh. Child #2 mentions the need for an emergency potty break. Normally this would bother me. (OK, it’s actually always annoying). But in Target, we can head over to Family Restroom #1 and all go in together because TARGET LOVE MOMS. I rush over there and bring alllll the children into the restroom. It doesn’t matter that child #3 is crying because I won’t put him down. It also doesn’t matter that child #1 is obnoxiously begging for some new toy that she’s 100% not getting. And it absolutely doesn’t matter that I’m loudly reminding child #2 not to pee on the toilet for fun. Why? Because we’re in there ALL ALONE. It’s magical. No judgy side eyes as a child tries to lick the wall. No freakouts because the automatic toilets around us keep flushing. And most importantly, I can see all my children while wiping a small heinie. It’s as good as a middle-of-the-shopping-trip potty break can be. Thanks to Target.

Whew. Done and back out to the aroma we all know and love. At this point the squishy ball isn’t working well anymore and I still need to grab the TP and bread, and because I prayed about it, I still remember it. We head that way. But, oh no, Hearth & Hand is literally staring me down. Fine, I’ll drive by slowly. I don’t have time to wax poetic about Joanna Gaines and her glory. But, can we all just agree to give all our money to Target’s Hearth & Hand? In a matter of seconds, I quickly realize that I need a new front door wreath. And maybe these new coasters and this necessary bronze wall clock. That’s it. In the cart.

And to bring my point home, I quickly go grab toilet paper (with minutes to spare before child #3’s epic meltdown) and head toward the biggest reason my older children continue to behave: the self-checkout line. This is why Target is heavenly. I, arguably, have a cart full of necessaries that fill my soul with joy and now my children will do the brunt work of filling all the bags and checking out. What’s better than fulfilling needs that also make you happy and putting your kids to work? Not a darn thing.

As I fill my car with toilet paper and joy, I smile to myself. I know God loves me and this is why. What began as a stressful day of child rearing now includes happiness and warm fuzzies provided by one red bullseye and some seriously good deals. Everyone can now use the potty with provided paper, my desk will now be perfectly decorated with plastic greenery, and that fabulous wall clock is exactly what I didn’t know I needed in my…well, I’ll find a place for it later. Who could ask for more in this life? Certainly, not I.

Oh no, I forgot the bread!

Erin is a born and raised San Antonio native. She is a proud graduate of Southwestern University, St.Mary's University and Texas Tech University. After graduate school, she married the love of her life and moved back to to town to be near both sides of their families. Together, they are attempting to raise three crazy humans: Chloe- 2011, Connor- 2014, and Charlie 2017 who make life fun, happy and hard. Erin is a marriage and family therapist and a contributor and sales coordinator for ACM. She is a lover of all things involving food, music, sarcasm and wine. And love. There must be lots of love. You can find her on Instagram at Instagram Favorite Restaurant: Nonna Osteria Favorite Landmark: Majestic Theatre Favorite San Antonio Tradition: Fiesta Arts Fair