As my mom’s cancer progressed, it started sinking in that I would have to prepare my three-year-old for “Mimi’s” death. Death is not an easy thing for anyone to understand, much less a small child. When I became a parent, I never imagined myself teaching my toddler about such a loss at a very young age, but we can never know what life has in store for us. Trying to help a young person understand why they will never see someone again is difficult for them and us. I wish I could make that burden easier to bear, but I can’t. However, I can at least share with you some things that helped our family through that very difficult time.
In the months leading up to my mom’s passing, I probably should have “studied” more for what I would say to my daughter. Instead of giving textbook answers, I just answered her questions as they came up and rarely offered more information than what she was asking for. It was difficult for me to tell exactly what she was processing and feeling, but when she had a serious question, she would come to me with it on her own.
As my mom grew weaker, my daughter noticed and started having questions then. She wanted to know, “Why is Mimi always in bed?” We told her that Mimi’s body was sick, and she didn’t have the energy to get out of bed anymore. But we let her know that her Mimi still loved for us to come and visit with her, sit next to her, and tell her stories.
I later read that it’s best not to tell a child that someone is “sick,” because we would not want them to fear for their lives anytime they have a simple cold. It’s preferred to let them know that the loved one who is ill has a very rare disease.
In the months after my mom passed, my daughter had a lot of questions, and they would usually come up when I wasn’t expecting them. I remember her asking:
“Is God a bad man?”
“Why was Mimi so sick?”
“Will I get sick one day?”
“Where did Mimi go?”
Based on your individual beliefs, answers to these questions could be very different.
I struggled to find the right things to say, but I thought of the beliefs that my mom had. I knew my mom had always looked forward to being in heaven. I told my daughter that her Mimi missed us so much, but she did always want to go to heaven, and she believed there is only happiness and no more diseases or sadness there.
Shortly after my mom passed, my husband told our three-year-old that “Mimi lives in our hearts now.” I don’t know why it occurred to him to say that, but it was so precious to me and made so much sense to our daughter. She tells us often how happy she is that Mimi is in her heart. We’ve talked about the love we feel for her and the memories we have of her, and that those will always keep her close to us.
Sometimes we lose close family members or friends unexpectedly, but other times we have time to prepare ourselves as best as we can for what’s going to happen. In some ways, I am glad that I had the opportunity to make an extra effort to preserve special memories with my mom so that she could leave behind tangible gifts for my daughter.
I asked my mom to decorate this plate for us, and it’s something that we can look at weekly and think of her. I found this plate kit at a local craft store.
Having a painted piece of pottery would be another special item to have in your home.
I also made sure to take lots of pictures and write down special things that my mom said or memories she and my daughter shared together. I took my favorite photos and had them printed in a small pop-up book that my daughter can carry around whenever she wants.
I ordered this “accordion Mimi” from mpix.
I would have loved my mom to write a letter to me or my daughter, but I think those things were just too much for her to bear.
It’s been more than two years since my mom’s passing, and my daughter still talks about her or has questions about her death.
I know my mom would feel honored by the way we have kept her memories alive in our home. We have her photos hanging, I wear her jewelry, and I always point out to my daughter when I am wearing something that used to be Mimi’s. It’s a comforting way for both of us to feel like she’s still close in many ways.
Around the holidays, we make time to sit around and talk about her and her favorite traditions. My favorite thing is to hear my mom’s voice again in home videos. Those shared moments are healing for us all and bring a bittersweet happiness.
During my mom’s illness and after she passed, I never hid my emotions from my daughter. If she saw me cry, I told her that I was sad and missing Mimi. She would comfort me and remind me that “Mimi is in our hearts,” or say, “Yeah, I miss her too.” I wanted her to know that it’s OK to cry, and we’re all grieving together. She wasn’t the only one with an achy heart.
There are many wonderful resources that can help explain death to a child. I found several books at my library. I encourage you to review each selection first, and select the ones that would fit your family best. Here are some of my recommendations:
Books:
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
Out Came the Sun: Helping children as they grieve (a handbook from the Children’s Bereavement Center of South Texas)
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children by Doris Stickney
Something Very Sad Happened: A Toddler’s Guide to Understanding Death by Bonnie Zucker
I Miss You: A First Look at Death by Pat Thomas
The Next Place by Warren Hanson
Movies:
The Children’s Bereavement Center of South Texas can also offer many additional resources and other assistance.
Someone who is more qualified than I, wrote a great piece on “The Do’s and Don’ts of Talking with a Child About Death” in Psychology Today.
As parents, we all want to keep our children safe and protected. It’s hard when difficult events happen at young ages. I felt like my mother’s death took away some of the innocence and bliss of my daughter’s childhood. And when you’re a parent who is already dealing with so much pain, it’s hard to have difficult conversations. I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through, but please know that eventually it will get a little easier. I hope these ideas have helped make this journey a bit easier for you.
