My Constant Struggle with Mom Guilt

I’m on a constant mission to eradicate Mom Guilt from my life.  Which I don’t think can ever REALLY happen, because if I didn’t have some level of guilt, it probably would mean I didn’t care at all, right?  Even so, if left unchecked, Mom Guilt runs rampant in my mind.  I put a lot of pressure on myself.  I like to be good at stuff.  I try to do and be everything.  But, sometimes I’m just three Pinterest-clicks away from a self-doubting-bawl-my-eyes-out meltdown.

This past week, I left myself particularly vulnerable.  I took some time off work to help my son transition to kindergarten, and I didn’t feel ready.  I had NOT made a chalkboard painted flower pot for my son’s teacher, and I didn’t have a “First Day of Kindergarten” sign for my son to hold for his Kindergarten-front-porch photo shoot (like every other red-blooded American mother seemed to have done.)

Yes, I did give his teacher a homemade cookie (which I initially had NO intention of giving as gifts).  And yes, I did take pictures of my son.  With my phone.

And then I remembered – I have a BLOG POST to write this week!  I thought to myself, “What the heck am I going to write about!?  I have no idea!  I have nothing to say.  I don’t have an awesome recipe or tips on how to make other peoples’ lives as ‘perfect’ as mine.”  And have you seen the other women on this blog?  They’re amazing.  They’re good at something.  They have a specialty.  They’re witty, clever, perfectly-coiffed, and know how to smile with their teeth.  They know what they want to write about.  (At least in my mind, they’re all perfection!)  Certainly, I’m the fraud here, and I’ve tricked them all into thinking I belong.  And then it hit me.   I thought, there have GOT to be other moms that feel like me.

This is not a “How I Won the War Against Mom Guilt” article, because I do still deal with it all the time.  But I have gotten better at managing it.  (Because Mom Guilt, just like adult acne, never completely goes away… but that’s for another post.)  I’ve had a few revelations along the way.  The first being that I had to quit reading Parenting Magazines.  After each issue, I ended up feeling inadequate.  I usually came away with a variation of these four ideas:

1.  My children were not getting the right concoction of vitamins and my oversight would surely have some genetic or developmental consequence.

2.  My paint, mattress, and carpet were full of toxic VOCs and phthalates, and my home was a chemical wasteland (which also has some sort of developmental consequence.)

3.  This other mom has a perfect nursery and a child in a perfect outfit, and this is what I must buy in order to achieve the same look.

4.  These 10 toys will help my child hit every milestone at the prescribed time, and if I don’t buy it, my child will suffer.

If you still feel like a good mom after reading a Parenting magazine, then you probably already have a healthy dose of Mom Confidence, and should probably be giving me some pointers.   So I quit the magazines, and it really was a weight off my shoulders.

My second revelation was to – Identify my “Three Things.”  A few weeks ago, I mentioned to my co-worker, Liz, how another woman in our office really had me examining my life.  How in the world did this other woman have a family, serve full-time in the Air Force, and STILL manage to organize endless charity and volunteer events!?  Clearly, I was doing something wrong with my life.

And then I learned something.  Her priorities were probably different than mine.

I have to thank Liz for giving me a tool to cope with my constant Mom Guilt.  She figures every person has about three things that are HER priority; THREE things that she can focus on and is good at doing.  Aside from my particular “three things,” I might be able to maintain everything else in my life, but they’re really not my priority or in my top three.  That mom I was comparing myself to – well, she may focus on three things that seem really impressive, but her three things may not include one of MY three things, and THAT’S OK.  For me, right now, my three things are probably 1. My Family, 2. My Job, and 3. My Health (losing weight) – and it doesn’t leave much room on my plate to be AMAZING at much else.

I haven’t stopped thinking the Three Things concept.  Whenever I get down on myself, when I start scrolling through Pinterest and thinking, “Why don’t I compost and garden?  Why haven’t I developed a homeschool pre-K curriculum?  Why don’t I run a charity organization?  And why don’t I consistently photograph and document it all!?”  I remind myself – these are things that are not in my top priorities right now, and that’s ok.  When I leave the coffee pot on, or forget to switch the laundry, I remind myself – I do a lot of other things well!  Maybe later down the road, my priorities will change.  But for now, I’m doing my best, and no one can be a better mom to my children than me.

(And if that doesn’t help, I just refer to my favorite funny lady, Tina Fey – “Seriously, I’ve just realized that almost everyone is a fraud, so I try not to feel too bad about it.”)

Do you struggle with Mom Guilt?  Do you compare yourself to other moms?  How do you keep the Mom Guilt in check?