Just like my life, I like my holidays to be perfect. Following these seven simple steps will surely put you in therapy, but the question to ask yourself is, “Was it worth it?” Hint: The answer doesn’t matter.
Step 1: Develop impossibly high standards or try to adopt someone else’s. I find that the Instagram accounts of celebrities who have millions of dollars to spare and a team of people working for them are good places to start when setting standards. Pair your unreasonable expectations for things beyond your control with rigid inflexibility. Once you get a good blend of those two things, add in some Martha Stewart ideas and stir. This will be the roux of your perfect holiday. Without this, it’s just a holiday.
Step 2: Choose a theme for your holiday decor. Obviously you cannot be like everyone else and decorate with things that make sense. Red and green are so overdone for Christmas; find a new combination of colors that screams holiday spirit but also has the potential to become the new red and green. Now that you have an innovative theme to work with, search for appropriate decor. You will not find it in any store you go to, so you’ll need to spend a small fortune to find it or make it yourself. Isn’t this exciting?!
Step 3: Make sure you are conveying an image of absolute happiness. Find everyone in your family a matching outfit that is not too matchy—bonus points if no one wears it ever again. Next, have a photographer at the ready to take pictures the moment you find the perfect spot in that gentrified part of town that few have yet to use for photo ops. No one can cry, complain about itchy sweaters, or close their eyes in any pictures. Your photographer should also be held to the highest standard and be able to Photoshop your child’s smile on his/her face or remove that unsightly building from the photo altogether. Nothing but the best.
Step 4: Shop for the perfect holiday gifts for EVERYONE. If you didn’t start shopping for holiday gifts in July, you’re already way behind. Hand each of your kids a toy catalog and have them make an impossible wish list. You adore a good challenge, so make their little consumer dreams come true! Just be sure to put a bow on each gift in your chosen holiday theme colors. If the concept of drawing names comes up for all 35 of your nieces and nephews, politely decline and instead use your kids’ college fund to buy 35 unique and well thought-out gifts for each one. It is up to you and you alone to make this holiday PERFECT.
Step 5: Think through your ideal menu. Do not make anything you are familiar with. Now is the time to try new and crazy Pinterest recipes that your photographer won’t need to Photoshop. They must be complicated, beautiful, and delicious. Do not ask for help, because you will need to take full credit for that entire meal that took 48 hours to make. If someone offers to bring a casserole, politely say, “Thanks, but no thanks,” and then make it yourself, except better. The happiness of this evening rests on your shoulders, so you can’t mess it up! You also have to look adorable in that seasonally appropriate apron, and if you aren’t wearing heels and full makeup for the candid shots your hired photographer will take, you might as well have opted for a potluck.
Step 6: Get ready to host. This is where it all comes together. You should receive a compliment about each element waiting for your guests to count your holiday as a successful event. This includes the front entry decor, the smell of cinnamon spice to greet them, the welcoming atmosphere in your living room, your Christmas tree AND mantle if the occasion you’re celebrating is Christmas, your innovative theme, the number of presents under your tree, the presentation of the food, how delicious every dish is, how cute you look, and of course, hearing “I don’t know how you do it!” at least three times. While you bask in the glory of your guests’ comments, make sure no one’s glass is empty so everyone can toast to the hostess at any given moment. Your guests must have the best night of their lives and leave feeling happy and fulfilled.
Step 7: If you really feel like kicking it up a notch… Wait—I can’t even do this anymore. It doesn’t matter if you buy your holiday dinner from your favorite restaurant, host a potluck, make all of your grandmother’s recipes, or truly are a Pinterest wonder. Do what makes you and your family happy. What is perfect, anyway? Make your holiday happen in a way that keeps your family’s core values in the center. Your kids will not remember if you aligned every ornament or if the garnish on your side dish even existed. Enjoy the season in all of its mess and craziness, and focus on what really matters! Cheers, and happy holidays!
