My daughter chose to attend college far away—1,782 miles, to be exact, courtesy of Google Maps. I juggle my concerns, both real and imagined, about her life and experiences so many miles away. Parenting can be scary and hard, and my feelings are not uncommon. But I have recently noticed how fear is featured in so many other aspects of our lives. In the name of understanding this, I sat down with my friend Nancy, a licensed clinical social worker, to chat about parenting under the influence of fear. This is what I took away from our conversation:
Fear is driven by the fight or flight system. It is hormonal, based on adrenaline and cortisol. Therefore, it can be illogical and nonsensical. Thankfully, there are ways to get these anxieties under control.
Studies show the hormone oxytocin, featured in childbirth and breastfeeding and also known as the love hormone, actually subdues fear. So, check out this cool fact: Hugging your children not only makes them feel loved, it increases oxytocin in your system. What I got from this? Hug your kids whenever necessary to chase away your fear. At least 20 seconds is best if they will let you.
According to Nancy, often we do not fear an actual situation, but rather, we feel like things are out of our control. As parents, we frequently feel this way. Take a look at what scares you. Is it the situation itself that’s scary or your inability to control it? Can you re-frame the situation in a more positive manner? When dealing with a nerve-wracking scenario involving your child, consider the benefits instead of focusing on the negatives.
Another thing that drives fear is being afraid of making the wrong decision. A lot of anxiety is based on forward thinking or looking back instead of being in the moment. Nancy recommends centering yourself. One way to calm your fears is to identify and surround yourself with something from each sense that you find calming. For example, I would surround myself with the sound of moving water like falling rain or waves, the taste of chocolate, the sight of my loved ones, the feeling of soft fabric like velvet, the smell of fresh herbs or freshly ground coffee. There are dozens of other ways to center yourself and stay in the moment. Enjoy what is happening with your children right now; try not to think about the what-ifs and already-happeneds.
Another tip? Don’t confuse feelings and facts. We are prone to overlook facts when we feel anxious. Using fear as a unifying technique is a well-known method to get people to do what we want. It gives people a common enemy or issue to focus on. Of course, when we try to give facts instead, people can’t overlook their fear. Fear makes people follow often irrational beliefs down an anxiety-ridden rabbit hole where they justify their concerns along the way instead of dealing with them. Again, use techniques to move away from fear so you can objectively look at facts without clouded judgment. For example, it is statistically safe for most children to play in the backyard without adult supervision.
Finally, chronic anxiety is bad for your health, memory, brain function, and mental health, and if you are living in perpetual fear you are also passing this on to your kiddos. So, work on controlling your fear. Be chill! It’s better for your health and your child’s.
