Dear ACM: A Playdate Mess

 

 

 

 

Dear ACM,

How do you handle your kid’s friends having different rules regarding playrooms and toys? My son’s friends come over and absolutely tear apart his playroom. I’ve reminded them of the rules before they begin playing, during play, and again when they are ready to leave, but it doesn’t seem to work. My son knows the rules but is either talked over or ignored and he is quite young so he isn’t very good at enforcing the rules for his space (and I don’t expect him to do this).

I can’t watch them every second they are here and I’m getting fed up with spending my own time tidying the same messes over and over. My son is also frustrated because he doesn’t want to clean up after everyone either, but I often ask him to help because the mess is in his space. The other parents do not ensure their children clean up after play, and I feel very awkward trying to get their children to tidy up when their parents aren’t saying anything. 

I’m beyond frustrated and don’t know what to do at this point. I hate to be the bad guy in this situation and stifle the fun, but I’m already so tired from working and keeping up with my own messes. I would love any advice.

Sincerely,
A Playdate Mess

 

Dear A Playdate Mess,

Oh boy, do you hear me taking a deep breath? If so, it’s because I 100% feel you on this one. Like yours, my kid understands that tidying up is just part of her playtime routine. However, I’ve learned that isn’t always the case for other families. It stinks to be the only adult enforcing the rules during a playdate, and it’s frustrating to feel like you aren’t on the same page about this with other parents.

Before launching into a few solution-oriented ideas, I want to commend you on two things: 

  1. Your willingness to open your home to others and provide a fun, safe space for your child to build friendships and enjoy himself. Not everyone does this, and I think it’s wonderful that you do. 
  2. The fact that you’re modeling how to clean up after play, and that you clean alongside your son while teaching him how to do it independently. You are instilling great lifelong habits and he’s lucky to have a mama like you teaching him the ropes.

Now, onto the dilemma. I have a few ideas to help you keep the playdate peace and ensure your home is as tidy at the end of the day as it was the minute before your guests arrived.

First, Check In With Your Son

You mentioned your son gets understandably frustrated when his friends refuse to clean or ignore his requests for help. Before tackling this problem, it may be a good time to check in with your son and gauge whether or not having friends over is worth it for him right now. You may be surprised to find he doesn’t want to deal with the chaos either, and a temporary break from in-home playdates may be a welcome relief for him (and you).

Vocalize Your Expectations


If he still wants to have friends over, it’s time to lay down the law with confidence! I know you already make it a habit to remind everyone to clean up before, during, and at the end of the playdate, but I want to validate that you can be truly assertive about this. When hosting in your home, it’s helpful to gently—yet firmly—set expectations for everyone involved at the very beginning. (This includes fellow parents!) 

As you welcome everyone inside, consider saying something like, “Here’s the playroom, kids! Have so much fun, and please remember to pick up as you go. When you’re finished with one activity, please clean it up before moving on to the next.”

From there, you can periodically check in to make sure they follow through on your request and nudge them to do so if they forgot or ignored you in the first place. Ideally, the other parent(s) will proactively back you up, but even if they don’t, it’s completely appropriate for the host to enforce the rules with or without peer support.

On that note… No matter their age, if someone disrespects your boundaries while in your own home, I recommend re-evaluating if it’s appropriate to continue inviting them over. Just saying…

Identify the Main Problem

When you observe that the kids don’t clean up during or at the end of the playdate, do your best to get to the bottom of it. Consider possible common roadblocks, such as:

  • Developmental ability: Are they old enough to be expected to clean up independently and on a certain schedule? If not, intentionally step in to assist (and ask the other parents to do so as well). If they are mature enough, it may be appropriate to give a natural consequence if they cannot follow through with cleaning up (e.g., taking a break from having friends over).
  • The kids run out of time: Everyone is having so much fun, time runs out before they remember to clean up. To help with expectation setting and time management, I’m a big fan of timers with my four-year-old. You can announce you’ll set a timer at the beginning of the playdate for the “ten-minute warning.” If the playdate is one hour, set it for 40 minutes, and then check in to let the kids know they have ten more minutes before clean-up begins. When the timer sounds again, pop back in to remind them it’s time to put everything away and then supervise as they do so. 
  • The kids feel overwhelmed: If the mountain of toys makes cleaning up feel like an impossible task, make a game out of it. I personally like to play a song and challenge everyone to clean up a certain area or a specific number of toys before the song ends. I personally loathe the “Clean-up Song,” so any tune can work. Last week I asked Alexa to play the 1999 trance song “Sandstorm because, why not? If it could be used for decades to pump up the crowd at sporting events and the like, it can motivate my tiny people to clean. 
Take Your Playdate Outside the Home


The tips above are helpful and all, but if you continue to run into issues and you still want to gather with friends and organize playdates, it may be best to take the play to an alternative location. You can always head outside to the backyard with a select number of toys or agree to meet at a neutral location instead of your house. San Antonio offers a wide variety of playgrounds, public pools, trampoline parks, gardens, museums, art studios, and more. If you’re sick of everyone trashing your house (and I don’t blame you!), then it’s more than acceptable to suggest a different meeting place.

I hope these tips help because playdates are crucial, but clean houses are too.

Fellow Alamo City Moms, what do you say? Do you have any advice for A Playdate Mess? Please chime in! Do you have a question for ACM? Ask in our Community and Conversations group on Facebook or email us with the subject line “ASK ACM”. All submissions will remain anonymous. 

Katie
Originally from the Live Music Capital of the World, Katie moved about the country (Nashville, TN, Seattle, WA and Athens, GA) for several years before settling in the Alamo City with her husband and young family in 2018. She's a lifestyle portrait photographer (always finding the good light), outdoorsy (…as in she likes to drink on patios), and an audiobook and podcast enthusiast (especially psychological thrillers). When she isn’t behind a camera or laptop, Katie is exploring the world with her husband, delightful daughter (2018), cheeky son (2021), and tiny pup. You can find her on Instagram (@hersideproject). Favorite Restaurant: Paloma Blanca 🕊️ Favorite Landmark: Mission Marquee Plaza Favorite San Antonio Tradition: Cascarones