Marriage Counseling: Why It Works for My Marriage and How It Might Work for Yours, Too!

It’s hard to talk about (or blog about) certain topics. We’re launching a new series: True Life. Here is the first of many! Have you gone to counseling? You’re not alone![hr]

 

TRUE LIFE: Marriage Counseling Saved My Marriage

My husband and I have worked very hard to keep our marriage strong throughout the past several years, but honestly, it hasn’t always been easy. I realize every single day how lucky I am to have a partner who, despite our occasional struggles, has remained my co-captain as we continue to navigate our life together; and I can say with 100% certainty it would not be possible without the help of our marriage counselor.

Therapy is not something my husband and I are ashamed of or embarrassed to talk about; it’s actually quite the opposite, hence my desire to write this post. In retrospect, during a very hard time in our life I would even venture to say counseling saved our marriage…and I don’t think my husband would disagree.

If you’re reading this and you and your spouse are contemplating marriage counseling for whatever reason, I want you to know that YOU, my darling, are not alone. For some odd reason people don’t really talk about the fact that they have been or are currently working with a marriage counselor, but it is NOTHING to be ashamed of. I believe individual and couples therapy is some of the best work that can be done for yourself, your marriage, and in some cases, your child(ren).

1. When considering counseling, do not get discouraged if your spouse isn’t interested. I get it. I would imagine it is probably the number one challenge most couples face when it comes to counseling. Here’s my advice to you: When the time is right (and there may never be a perfect moment), ask your spouse if it’s something he/she might consider. If the answer is a resounding “no,” don’t push it. In some cases, a lot of work toward a stronger marriage begins with working on yourself alone, without your spouse. While we all may think we are perfect—spoiler alert—we’re not; and it may surprise you how therapeutic a few individual sessions can be.

I’ve found that even a few very simple adjustments, a different approach, or a different mindset going into various situations, has made a world of difference in our marriage. Sometimes recognizing your own challenges and working to change them is some of the toughest personal work you will ever do…but I promise you: it’s worth it.

If there is ever a need for your spouse to attend a session alone, remember that is his/her time. Whatever was discussed between your spouse and counselor stays between them unless your spouse chooses to share it with you. Don’t push for details! Just be thrilled that your spouse attended the session alone and count it as a step in the right direction.

2. Even if you believe your relationship is great, consider counseling as an investment in your future. If you remember one thing from this post, let it be this: Do not walk, RUN to counseling while your relationship is in “stable” condition. If you wait to address your problems when you marriage is in ICU, sometimes it can be too late. The truth is, all relationships take work, and a marriage is no exception. As the years go by, our families grow, our finances fluctuate, and our lives are filled with more people and things that often require a lot (or all) of our attention. As a result, often the amount of time and money we spend on strengthening and nourishing our relationship with our spouse declines. Things happen that can sometimes shake the dust off of old issues that may have been tucked away for a while. It’s a common and often unavoidable problem, but it simply means you and your spouse may have to work extra hard to set time aside for each other NOW so your relationship won’t crumble when trouble strikes!

I will be the first to admit this is something my husband and I continue to work on each and every day. The communication strategies we’ve learned in therapy have helped us to work though challenges that arise from time to time. However, if a problem comes up that we can’t seem to work through on our own, we head directly to our counselor for a tune-up.

Remember to talk to your therapist if money is preventing you from getting the help you and your spouse need. Your counselor may work with you on a payment plan or perhaps even allow a few pro bono sessions to get you through a tough time. Communication is key, and at the end of the day, the most important thing is the well-being of you, your spouse, and your marriage.

3. Finding the right marriage counselor is like finding the right gynecologist: he/she is going to see and hear some pretty personal stuff, so if you’re not feeling comfortable, it’s probably not the right fit. Consider it like a first date: most likely you will know if it’s the right fit for both of you after the first session. Do not be afraid to research online or ask a friend for help when searching for the right counselor. If you have the financial means to do so, I would encourage you to try a few different counselors and listen to your spouse’s opinion, too. Remember that someone who may have worked for one couple may not necessarily work for you. For example, our very first premarital counselor welcomed us into his office and then proceeded to talk and talk and talk about himself the entire time. He then abruptly stopped talking right as our 60-minute session was over and ever-so-graciously asked us to write him a check for $150. Let’s just say we never went back. The next day I asked a trusted coworker for recommendations on a marriage counselor. Nearly five years later, thanks to my friend, my husband and I are so grateful to have found a counselor who remains a perfect fit for both of us.

Remember, though, that a marriage counselor who works for you, may not work for your partner. You are two different people, and it is imperative both of you feel comfortable with your choice. It makes a world of difference when each of you can establish a relationship with your counselor individually and together as a couple. 

Alamo City Moms
Alamo City Moms is written by a collaborative and diverse group of mothers. We strive to provide moms with relevant, timely and fun information about all things mom here in the greater San Antonio area.