Building Your Girl Tribe with Your Book Club

There’s a lot of talk these days about the importance of a really great Girl Tribe, and while there is little doubt about how beneficial it is to have one, actually creating one can feel nearly impossible. I get to talk about this on a regular basis with a variety of women because creating a sustainable support network is a key component of mental health. Many of my clients are looking for help, ideas, and permission to create that life-saving inner circle of women. While there are many ways to go about achieving this important goal, I’m experiencing a great one at this very moment and wanted to share it.

My book club went nonfiction—like, do-the-work-to-become-the-best-version-of-yourself nonfiction—and those relationships got pretty deep pretty quick.  

Now, don’t get me wrong: I love the book club days of pouring over stories like The Help and The Great Alone and digging in to whatever Kingsolver and Moriarty have just released. I’m not saying those conversations can’t also be meaningful to your relationships. But, it is a different thing altogether to answer questions honestly about your own personality rather than to imagine what it would be like to be the latest fictional protagonist. And, if you can be really vulnerable and talk about the good, bad, and ugly of your life, the connection meter will go crazy.

Vulnerability is a key component of authentic connection, and if you can create a space where people feel safe to go there and have those kinds of conversations, it is relationship gold. I think there are a couple of things that can help this happen and support the “safe place” goal:

  • Keep the group small. A close group of four to six people is more likely to get really honest with one another than a rowdier group of 12 or 15.
  • Encourage group selection of titles. Allowing everyone to weigh in on what the selection will be invests members in the work and helps encourage maximum participation. Our club throws a few ideas out there and then we talk through why we are interested in each one. It’s kind of like a vote, but more like building consensus.
  • Say yes to study guides. Many nonfiction titles also come with a study guide or book club readers’ guide, and those are very helpful in directing the conversation and keeping everyone focused on the relevant material. These have been particularly valuable and have “forced” us to go a little deeper than we might have on our own. 

In our study right now we are looking at our unique personality types and the impact they have on our relationships. We are grieving together about disappointments in our mothers. We are discovering truths about our marriages. We are learning how to set better boundaries, and there is more encouragement and support and non-judgment and laughter and tears than I could have imagined when we started this process. Tribe members in the making, for sure. 

For anyone who feels ready to take their book club to the next level while working on their own best self, here are some of our selections and suggestions:

Anything by Brené Brown. Seriously. She’s the best. 

Rachel Hollis has nice reader guides available online for Girl, Wash Your Face and her new book, Girl, Stop Apologizing, is coming out this month. 

Any of the personality assessment works would be fun to do as a group. We are working out way through the Enneagram right now and using this one, this one, and this one. We have also done work with Strengthsfinder, and this book was a great tool. 

There’s also life revolution guides like The Happiness Project and The Gratitude Diaries, and inspiring biographies and memoirs abound as well. 

Happy Reading with your Girl Tribe!

Jennifer
I’m a native Texan/San Antonian who spent a decade in Seattle and has never readjusted to the heat. I spend most days puzzling over my boys’ constant states of hunger and their non-stop wrestling. I live with my three favorite people on the planet: a fuzzy-faced dog that everyone loves (@sarge_the_whoodle on IG), a really ornery cat, and a fire-bellied toad that has defied the natural life expectancy for all toads. In my spare time, I operate a private practice as a marriage and family therapist, with specialties in traumatic grief, couples, and managing depression/anxiety without medication, which is a nice way to make use of my master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science. I can most often be found on my own back patio with wine and a book, perfecting my status as a world-class procrastinator while ignoring laundry. Also: I’m married to my college sweetheart, also a Native Texan; and mom to three boys: two who run and one who soars, ages 13 (deceased), 11 (hungry), and 7 (also hungry).