My name is Kristin and I hate Valentine’s Day (hi, Kristin).
Before you write me off as a bitter divorcee, know that my hatred of V-Day started way back in elementary school when we brought our decorated shoe boxes to class. I remember dumping all my cards out and the end of the day and checking to see if my crush, Ryan, had given me a card. Discovering that he hadn’t was the first of many heartbreaks I received over my years of class Valentine’s parties. In high school, students could anonymously send carnations to their crushes. In 4 years I received a sum total of 0 carnations á la Gretchen Weiners in Mean Girls. By senior year of college, when my roommates all went shopping for dinner recipes and gifts for their boyfriends and I sat alone in my room watching The Real World, I knew that February 14 would be a day I wished to avoid for the foreseeable future.
I eventually did get married, and spent a grand total of 2 Valentine’s Days with my then-husband when he wasn’t traveling for work. While it was nice to finally get to say I had a “Valentine” and have someone to occasionally send me flowers or chocolates, I came to the realization that I hated this made-up, Hallmark-driven holiday before our first anniversary. Here is why.
1. It’s torture for single people.
Oh, you’re single? That sucks. Let’s have an entire day spent celebrating people in relationships and let them talk about how wonderful love is. What’s that you say? You don’t think that sounds fun? Too bad, watch this Valentine’s Day commercial and be forced to walk through aisles full of pink and red crap every time you go to Target.
2. It’s not great for people in relationships either.
What did your spouse get you for Valentine’s Day? Only a dozen roses? That sucks for you; mine got me three dozen. Didn’t you see my hashtagged Instagram and Facebook post? It’s right here next to the picture of the string quartet and the chocolate soufflé in the shape of the heart. Also we renewed our wedding vows and I’m pregnant again. I’m sorry your spouse doesn’t love you as much as mine does.
3. It’s no picnic for parents either.
Turns out classroom Valentine’s Day parties are pretty standard, and usually they require you to bring in a box to put your kiddo’s Valentines in. Let me put this in mom terms: you have to make something fancy and if you didn’t get it from Pinterest and make it look super cute, your kid’s Valentine’s day box will just look crappy, and then what kind of mom will you be? It’s too bad you don’t love your kids as much as all these other parents. Also, what did you get your kids for Valentine’s Day? Did you write 100 reasons I love you and staple it all over the house? Or did you just get lazy and buy them a Valentine’s basket? Also what heart-shaped foods did you make your kids? Only pancakes, or were you a good mom and did you turn everything into a heart all day?
I am confident that there is someone out there who enjoys Valentine’s Day, so if that’s you, I hope you enjoy your day. And if you’re like me, join me in wearing all black, drinking wine, and waiting for the next holiday.