Self. Care.
They have nearly just become two, annoying, four-letter words based on how much we are told to do them. Urged to do them. Constantly bossed to do them. You see “self care” on irritating lists that include spa days, fun girly getaways, and getting a full night’s rest, reading entire books, or eating food that is still warm—you know, all things that feel a bit like unicorns on most days.
So we ignore it. The idea of accomplishing any of these feels so impossible that we just let it go. We tell ourselves we’ll get around to it “someday” or “when the kids are [insert older, easier, out of the house, etc. here].” We’ll practice self-care when we don’t have so many other things to care for. Right?
Right.
But, deep down, we know that isn’t good enough. It isn’t really right. We’ve heard the flight attendant remind us that we must take care of ourselves first, before our offspring. We’ve read the articles encouraging us to schedule it, prioritize it, cram it in there somewhere. We know we need to fit it in. Anywhere.
Ugh.
I can’t tell you how many times this approach has made it feel to me like it’s just one more chore. One more appointment to shoehorn into my calendar. One more obligation. And I know I’m not alone. I’ve had conversations with my girlfriends and my clients agonizing over how to make it all possible. Lots of the advice we get about self-care is about the action of it: Schedule it, make space for it, get accountability, do it with a friend, prioritize it in the budget, get support, etc. These are all good ideas for how to force self-care into your life, and they may even work for awhile, but I don’t think forcing it is enough.
Here’s the deal, ladies: If we don’t work at changing our mindset, self-care won’t stick.
Anne Lamott says it best with, “Turns out, everything is an inside job.”
If we don’t work on how we think about self-care, we will never become the self-care ninjas we deserve to be. This is bigger than just our to-do list. This is about how you think about you and how you deserve to be cared for by you.
I know a lot of us have some form of self-care improvement on our lists of resolutions. And that is fantastic. It is a start. But let’s also layer the mindset for self-care into those intentions for a better year.
What does this even look like?
Well, I’ve been working on my own self-care for what feels like years now, with only moderate spurts of success. And then I started focusing on how I was thinking about it. Before any action took place, what were my thoughts? How was that influencing my success or failure at improving myself?
Here are some examples of seemingly simple shifts that can help self-care efforts manifest and sustain. You can take these ideas and apply them endlessly into your own daily life and routine by simply saying to yourself more often: “Me, first.”
For example, it is dinner time. After scurrying around the kitchen getting everything ready and everyone everything they need, you sit down. And, as if on cue, someone suddenly needs ketchup or an extra napkin or seconds of something or a drink, and before even thinking about it, you just do it. What’s the quickest way to get back to a semi-warm plate of food? Just do it yourself. But how would that look if I were thinking about my own self-care differently? How would I respond if I kept a “me, first” mindset in the forefront?
Just this past week while on vacation, I sat down at the table with a plate of food for dinner. In less than three seconds, my youngest was asking if he could have more of something I had just fixed for him that he couldn’t get on his own. And, due to sheer exhaustion and hunger, I said, “Sure. But not right now. When I’m finished, I’ll get you what you want.” He looked at me a second, somewhat unfamiliar with that response, but then said, “OK. Thanks, Mom.”
And then I ate warm food. I didn’t rush. He waited, and then he got what he asked for. And I thought to myself, Why don’t I do that more often? It was clearly part of the self-care mindset I’ve been contemplating and trying to adopt more frequently. It is possible to take more than adequate care of our children without making them a singular priority.
It starts with how we think.
I often still have a fair amount of work to do when I return home in the afternoons. My kids are busy with activities and homework and projects. Before, it was very common for me to put aside my own work to oversee homework and assist my children right up until time to make dinner. Then it was family time and bedtime. And then, when I should have been able to finally put my feet up, I would log back on and try to finish my own work. That meant not spending time with my husband, not having time to myself, and getting to bed later than I should. A “me, first” mindset shift has changed the afternoons. I come home and put my laptop right out where the homework is happening. The kids are responsible for getting their own snacks and managing their own assignments and projects. I say, “I’m also doing work. I am happy to help you, but please do everything you can do on your own first and save what you need help with for the end.” It isn’t perfect, but there are now many more evenings when my work is finished before dinner and I have the choice to relax or Netflix (or go to bed early!).
These days, I’m fairly consistent about weekly meal planning. I don’t love doing it, but I do love the results. And being more disciplined about it has been an act of self-care in itself, as it makes the week run more smoothly. But in the past few months I noticed something when I was sitting down on Saturday evenings to plan for the coming week. I would look at my kids’ schedule. Then I would look at my husband’s schedule. And I would plan our meals based around those activities. I hardly ever remembered or thought to look at my own week. I very often made a grocery list that neglected my own breakfast or lunch, which left me just going without or “punting” in the week to come. A “me, first” mindset has dictated that I consider my own schedule first and start the meal planning/grocery list process with what my week looks like. It seems simple, but it has made a big difference in how I think about how I should care for myself just as well as I care for my family.
Wondering how to start incorporating a “me, first” mindset into your own life?
Perhaps when the family says, “Where are we going to dinner?” you suggest where you actually want to go instead of just deferring to everyone else’s preferences. Or maybe when a request is made of you that you know would infringe on your personal time, you give yourself permission to say “no” without feeling guilty about it. Or when you have some space in your calendar, you schedule yourself first instead of filling it with everyone else’s needs. Whatever it might mean to you, I hope this year is a year of many more opportunities for “me, first” for both of us.
