The outside pressures that moms feel they need to answer to seem to come in opposites. We internalize what other people see as valuable and then we weigh that against what we think is right for us. That ends up making us question where we stand on something or what we should be valuing. Work…or don’t work. Breast feed…or bottle feed. TV time…or no TV time. Independent play…or constant engagement. Spend time cleaning…or spend every moment with your kids.
I’m sure you have seen the signs: “Excuse the mess—we are making memories.” Sometimes that sign is almost like a silent form of judgment—unless you’re one of those people who has come to terms with your house being a mess for this season, in which case it may be a reminder for you. I tried that and I just wasn’t OK. I wanted to be OK with a mess, but I realized that I sincerely couldn’t function. It was an internal struggle to come to that realization. I mean, how could I clean when I have all of these sweet cherubs who require my attention?! Why am I washing dishes when I should be drinking 1,000 cups of pretend tea? Those cups of tea are precious, don’t get me wrong, but if I have a sink full of dishes I am hardly present at that tea party.
Clutter and mess are major stressors for me. I absolutely need a clean house to function well. Nothing on the floor, no dirty dishes, the washer needs to be running all the time, and I can’t stand the sight of dog hair on the rugs. It’s not that I just prefer things tidy; I get anxious if things aren’t. Throw in the needs of the kids and the running list of, well, everything, and I feel like I can’t think. Then I try to control everything because things feel out of control. I snap at everyone, and anger becomes my default. That simply is not the mom I want to be.
I know this about myself, so I have to prevent it from getting to the point at which I’m overwhelmed. This means I spend a good amount of time cleaning every day—15 minutes here and there as I am able. I still have four kids at home during the day and my oldest at school until 3:00 P.M., so my time is split between nursing a baby, teaching a preschooler to read, playing with a train set, and all the things that the house requires. Sometimes it means saying, “Sorry, I can’t play with you right now. I need to wash the dishes.” Some days I send the kids out to play in the backyard and do not let them back inside until I’m done mopping. I’m aware of them; I just need a clean house to engage my kids better. When I can see the dog hair on the rug I cannot sit on it to play and be in the right mindset to engage them well. There is a constant list of what needs to be cleaned running through my head. If I can eliminate some of it, I feel less stressed and have a greater ability to be in the moment. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I am a better mom when my house is clean.
So don’t feel guilty for doing the laundry. Your kids are just fine. They will not develop a complex because you had to throw in a load of towels. Don’t feel guilty for washing the dishes, mopping the floors, making the bed, cleaning the bathroom, or vacuuming up all the dog hair. Self-care happens in a variety of ways, and sometimes it looks like a clean house.
I very much appreciated this article. It’s as if I could have written it myself. With only 2 kids at home (4 and 2), I have always been one to operate and engage better with them in a CLEAN and ORGANIZED home. I do struggle with anxiety and cleaning can be a compulsion but it can als be a healthy coping mechanism. Cheers to the other moms who function better in a clean home and no judgement to those who operate othe the other extreme!