All the Emotions, Big and Small: Modeling Emotional Intelligence

Some days I feel like a badass. I’m single, working, volunteering, getting gym time in, being a “good” mom. I even have a social life—go, me! I’m totally sure I have everything covered, all wrapped in an acceptable, society-approved package. But then there are weekend evening moments when I sneak away to cry in my bedroom because I’m tired and overwhelmed.

It’s an “all the feelings” tired, where I feel every emotion at the end of a long week and I am just done. D-O-N-E. The mental and physical exhaustion build after being solely responsible for everything, all the time, and the walls feel like they’re caving in.

Inevitably, at that moment, the self-doubt arrives and I begin to compare my current perceived chaos to the imagined relative calm of a two-parent household. I’m trying to juggle everything, yet I drop things at home more often than when I had someone to tag in as needed. Forgotten theme days at school, broken promises to paint tiny nails after dinner…the little details of life get lost in the shuffle and make me feel like a bad mom whose bucket is too full.

Eventually, kids get wise to their parents’ emotions, and you find yourself having to explain what you’re feeling, while you’re feeling it, and do it in a positive way. For me, that moment came earlier than expected because there is nobody to run interference, no one to mention that Mommy needs a moment to herself. And my daughter isn’t yet old enough to understand that Tori Amos playing in the background means leave Mommy alone, because Mommy is channeling her own personal Lilith Fair.

Completely hiding emotions is not healthy, nor is hiding the stress of being responsible for a household. Yet for me, glossing over my true feelings is a default setting because I didn’t grow up in an emotionally intelligent household. Eventually, though, I had to evolve from the “everything is fine” status quo to feeling comfortable explaining why I was overwhelmed, in an age-appropriate way. Modeling positive behavior is more than just making healthy food choices and being a good person every day. Seeing healthy resolution to heavy feelings is helpful for kids.

I know I’m not alone in my struggle to be open, honest, and vulnerable with my daughter. If you’re in these deep waters too, I highly recommend Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Dr. John Gottman. While it is a parenting book, the information is equally applicable and helpful to me as an adult. Here are a few things I learned on my journey:

Accept negative emotions. Negative emotions are an important part of the human experience. They allow us to heal and grow when processed in a positive manner. Accepting my own self-doubt and anxiety when I’m feeling overwhelmed demonstrates that it’s OK for my daughter to experience those emotions too. Whether she is anxious about learning to ride her bike without training wheels or lamenting that she missed second recess for talking too much in class, she knows that emotion is accepted in our home.

Label emotions. Identifying and labeling feelings can be difficult because often there are several layers to them, several happening at once. Discussing my feelings in an open manner (censored for age appropriateness) proves that emotions are acceptable and demonstrates the process of labeling them without judgement. Acknowledging that I feel overwhelmed and describing what that word means, without judging myself for it, has opened a door to communicating about my daughter’s feelings.

Redirect or problem solve. There is a fine line between accepting negative emotions and getting stuck in them. Once you’ve accepted and labeled a feeling, it is important to move forward. I do allow myself an adult pity-party for one every now and then; however, life goes on, and so must I. There are things in life that just are, and I can only control how I react to or deal with them. Other feelings can be attributed to situations I do have control over, situations I can reflect upon and use for personal improvement. Recognizing and discussing these moments helps my daughter recognize her own opportunities for redirection or problem solving.

Modeling emotional intelligence is a conscious parenting decision for me on a daily basis. Frankly, listening to Tori Amos and crying into a glass of wine at night would be easier, and I’ve had those moments too. However, I know that my daughter is watching and learning from me, even during my lows, so I try to be an emotionally intelligent adult in hopes that one day she will become one herself.