Middle School Dating: Yea or Nay?

It’s almost spring, and in addition to the pollen, love is in the air. As mountain laurels beckon, some kids are nose-deep in Snapchatting their affection.  

I admit to cringing inside when my sixth-grade daughter asked if it was OK if she dated. My inner mommy screamed, “What?! Shouldn’t you be playing with your Littlest Pet Shop animals or sidewalk chalk or something? Dating?! What?!” I know, I know. The pets and the ponies and the pigtails ship sailed the minute she walked through those middle school doors. Now she is way more interested in nail polish, mascara, and yes, boys.

After my initial shock wore off I asked several friends what they felt: yea or nay about junior high romances. They reminded me that this is nothing new but rather a rite of passage. A few decades ago, my friends were also obsessed with “going” with fellow junior high students. I vividly remember the first boy who asked me to “go” with him, and I remember my mom asking, “Go where?” While I have apparently become my mother thanks to my prudish reactions, my daughter is much braver than I am. I was shy and giddy and thrilled to be asked out by locker Post-it note, but my daughter is a lot more open with her feelings.

A lot has changed in how kids interact with each other. The days of falling asleep with the phone pressed to your ear arguing with your crush over who will hang up first, are long gone. Communication among these kiddos starts the minute their eyes open through text, Instagram, and Snapchat. We never would have made it to school on time if we called ALL our friends before 7:00 A.M. Perhaps my daughter’s openness is a function of the ease with which she is able to contact her friends. It’s a lot easier to say “I like you” via text than in person. I also think it stings a lot less to be rejected by phone or tablet. Whatever the reason, my daughter readily shares her feelings and rolls with the punches when they are not reciprocated.

Ultimately, I’m convinced that middle school dating is OK, with some caveats. I’m super thankful my daughter is comfortable talking with me, and talk we did, about my three biggest concerns:

  1. What does it mean to “date” in middle school? It means deciding you like someone a bit more than you would like a friend. This conversation was a great chance to discuss why she might like someone. Is it because he is cute? Smart? Nice? Funny? I went into mama-mode and stressed which attributes really matter. Middle school love mostly involves the aforementioned social media forums. For the most part, the relationship wouldn’t exist without the aid of phones and tablets. They don’t see each other outside of school except on rare occasions they are at the trampoline park at the same time.
  2. How physical do things get? Again, this was a great opportunity to discuss comfort levels and physical boundaries. Because public displays of affection are forbidden at school and they don’t see each other outside of school, this seemed of little concern. While there is talk of playing Spin the Bottle at parties, I haven’t heard of it actually happening. Out of curiosity I googled “age of first kiss” and found several sources that said it was about 13.5 years old. The “how physical” conversation will definitely evolve from sixth to eighth grade.
  3. What happens after a break-up? Do kids who break up stay friends? How do they treat each other? I wanted to talk about this because when you’re a tween/young teen, the level of angst and ugliness is high and the level of maturity is low. These relationships offer a first chance at navigating tricky emotions. It is never easy to let someone down or to be let down. Being kind and truthful are essential as is being able to deal with any fallout.

In general, after talking to my sixth-grader daughter and eighth-grader son, I think middle school love is mostly harmless. It does present lots of opportunities for discussion—a chance this mom never likes to miss. My daughter did have a “boyfriend” for a hot second. They decided they wanted to “date” via Snapchat one afternoon, and it was over within 24 hours. She said the heart emoji he sent her that night felt weird. She told him at school the next day that she wasn’t quite ready for the whole dating scenario. Thankfully, they remain good friends.

As these tweens explore their boundaries, they are sure to test ours. Stay strong, mamas, and keep the dialogue going.  

Lisa
Lisa is a mom and stepmom to Jonah, Jack, Sophia, Henry, Wyatt, and Quinn. Against Waylon’s and Willie’s advice, she’s OK with some of them growing up to be cowboys. A native Houstonian, she moved to San Antonio with her Detroit car guy husband four years ago. Lisa and Todd are raising their brood in the scenic town of Garden Ridge, where she serves on the city Parks and Recreation committee. She’s passionate about raising awareness of Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders. Lisa’s Rocket Scientist dad and King of Malaprops approves of her “blobbing” adventures but thinks she should stay off of MyFace.