I have an exceptionally sweet and responsible 14-year-old son. Thankfully, I don’t have to nag him and use my “mommy voice” frequently. Unfortunately, he uses his teenage voice almost as infrequently as I use my mommy voice. My 12-year-old daughter spills her guts the minute she walks in the door from school, while my son stuffs his face, grunts a little, and heads up to his room. Don’t get me wrong—he is quite friendly and easy to talk to, just tight-lipped with any personal info.
A few tricks have helped me get him to open up a little bit more:
Focus
I’ve learned the hard way to keep my conversations focused. My exchanges with him don’t meander like they do with my daughter. In fact, on more than one occasion, I’ve been happily chatting along for several minutes only to find out that he still had his headphones in. You’d think I’d notice, but I guess I’m used to these one-sided exchanges. I try to keep my questions or comments on one topic at a time. He seems to get fishmeckled when I come at him with too many things at once. He’s a bright kid and can certainly juggle more than one idea at a time, but I’ve found he doesn’t want to.
Details
Communication problems with my son tend to happen when neither of us provides enough details. One evening around 9:30 P.M., my son asked me to wash his favorite hoodie. I said I would be happy to put it in the washer with a load of clothes but that I was going to bed. If he wanted it for the next morning, he would have to remember to put it in the dryer before he fell asleep. While he was getting ready for school he checked the dryer for his jacket only to find it was still wet. Apparently, telling him to put it in the dryer was not enough information. Unbelievably, he needed me to tell him to turn the dryer on! We both had a good laugh, but it’s indicative of our lapses in understanding each other. I need to be very specific about my directions with him. The more details, the better.
We’ve also crossed wires with school projects when I’ve failed to ask about the particulars. He’ll ask me to pick up something for the project but won’t specify when I need to get it for him. Optimistically, I assume he needs whatever it is in three or four days when it’s usually only one or two. We have a difference of opinion on what constitutes “soon.” In this case, I need to make sure I’m asking detailed questions so we both don’t end up frustrated.
Captive Audience
Some of my very best conversations with my son happen in the car. Don’t tell him I said this, but I choose to drive him to school. He thinks I drive him as a favor so he doesn’t have to get up super early to be at the bus stop on time. I could easily wake him for the bus and avoid 40 minutes of drive time, but I enjoy our car time too much. He really likes our 20 minutes of uninterrupted chatting. This year it is his time from the minute I drop off his sister until the minute I leave him at the band hall. While 20 minutes doesn’t seem like much, it is plenty for an introverted teen.
I tend to flip the radio station around and quiz him on musical artists. Imagine my surprise upon learning that he was unfamiliar with both U2 and the Grateful Dead! Sometimes we listen to NPR and get caught up on the news together. I’m always excited to know he has an opinion about something other than my driving. He’s not only an interesting kid, he’s interested in current events. I delight in hearing about his take on school, the world, and his future.
At home, with three siblings under foot, my son leaves his cave to gorge himself and then retreats to his precious privacy. With patience and a little luck, I’ve found ways to carve out opportunities to connect. I know as we both grow older these opportunities will change and develop. He will leave the nest and start his own adventures, perhaps build his own family someday. I hope I’m building a foundation of trust and closeness by offering a listening ear and capturing our small moments of togetherness.
