Have you started your children along the path to success by ensuring they’re exposed to a healthy dose of classic movies? You haven’t? Well, get on it sister! Mr. Rogers is known for his research in this area, stating that “97% of building relationships is tossing movie quotes back and forth and 3% is sweaters and laughing,” (do not Snopes this). If you want to raise your children with the ability to maintain friendships, be (mostly) interesting (and semi-annoying) conversationalists and become really proficient at pop culture bar trivia, plop them down, and start showing them these classic gems!
1. The Monster Squad: Looks like it’s up to kids to save the world from evil (again)! A great way to introduce your children to the five primary horror genre monsters: Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, Wolfman, the Mummy, and vaguely aggressive fish man. Kids will be introduced to such topics as virginity, the Holocaust, what “nards” are, and more.
2. Mac & Me: If you think the artistic integrity of Spielberg is too much for your youngsters to handle, this E.T. rip-off will be the ideal substitute. Thumbs up for the film featuring a child lead in a wheelchair (child actor Jade Calegory has Spina Bifida in real life) and sharing profits with Ronald McDonald Children’s Charities, but thumbs down for the overall laughable production quality and this insane five minute dance sequence (in a McDonald’s). Paul Rudd also loves sharing this particular scene on Conan.
3. The Boy Who Could Fly: So many questions in this movie. Be prepared to answer all of them about autism, alcoholism, plane crashes, cancer, suicide, becoming institutionalized, and whether boys can really fly. Heads up: You will probably cry at least once, so get ready to blame it on your period.
4. D.A.R.Y.L.: If you’re not quite ready to let your seven-year-old watch Ex Machina, this is a good starter flick. (The movie features no sex but does have an extended Pole Position scene.)
5. Pete’s Dragon: A true Disney classic with a phenomenal soundtrack featuring a cartoon dragon, aggressive hillbillies, alcoholics dancing on barrels, a snake oil salesman, one lighthouse, several apples, and a young ginger boy with an unfortunate bowl cut.
6. Cloak and Dagger: If you’re raising children here in the Alamo City, this movie is a must-see, as it was filmed in San Antonio. Forget playing Avengers. Every local kid should dress up like Davey Osborne and pretend to be chased by spies through town and kidnapped by a three-fingered old lady outside the Alamo.
7. The Secret of Nimh: There really is no age too young to educate little folks about government testing on lab animals and make them incredibly fearful anytime someone says they are ready to till the field, mow the lawn, or let the cat out.
8. The Last Unicorn: This cartoon is pretty messed up, but the chances your children bond with friends later in life over their shared emotional scars from it is around 100%.
9. Space Camp: Perhaps it was a wee tacky to release a film predicated on the ineptitude of NASA being so great that it would actually lose control of a shuttle and blast children into space the same year the Challenger exploded while a bajillion children watched it live on TV. I will say at the very least it features smart females in leadership roles.
10. Teen Witch: I cannot stress enough how important this film is in the canon of classic movies. It’s essentially about making terrible choices in the name of popularity because nobody wants to have frizzy hair and ride a bike forever. The key song to memorize is clearly “Top That!”
11. The Worst Witch: It’s like Harry Potter but less intense and featuring all girls plus Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life. At minimum, every child should know how to sing the opening song or the Tim Curry musical number.
12. Time Bandits: A wonderful gateway film for youngsters to learn about British humor and some members of Monty Python. It also features historical components such as the Titanic, King Agamemnon, Robin Hood, and Napoleon. It’s in my top five favorite movies list.
13. The Dark Crystal: If you are a human being, there is an 85% chance this movie will be mentioned in casual conversation at some point in your life. Are they puppets? Are they people? Are they people puppets? Puppet people? Will I ever dream normally again after watching this movie? The psychological damage this movie causes should not be underestimated.
14. The Neverending Story: This story will typically inspire one of three things upon viewing: creativity, depression, or really bad reenactments of Atreyu screaming at everyone. It’s another sure bet that once you grow into adulthood you will have a conversation at a bar about what Bastian names the Childlike Empress. Personally, I always thought he named her after his mom, whom I assumed to be Phyllis. Encourage your children to learn to at least hum the film’s theme song until they have to say, “The Neverending Stooooorrreeeeeey” (at which point they should definitely sing the words).
15. Flight of the Navigator: At bare minimum, this movie will inspire questions about NASA, alien abduction, and time travel and engender fear about terrible events occurring after watching a bunch of dogs in a Frisbee competition. Bonus: Kids will learn to talk like Pee Wee Herman.
16. War Games: Proof that Matthew Broderick only accepted scripts featuring characters hacking into a high school computer system? Possibly. Kids will be inspired that they, too, may someday accidentally hack into the Pentagon’s missile defense system and play Global Thermonuclear War against a computer that talks like a condescending British man.
17. Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas: Jim Henson’s creatures tell a Gift of the Magi-ish story featuring woodland animals that race snow mobiles, row boats, and compete in talent shows. It has songs about barbecue, grandma’s bathing suit, holes in washtubs, and features the Riverbottom Nightmare Band. It’s imperative to know at least one song from this movie.
18. Labyrinth: A wonderful way to introduce children to the magic of David Bowie, George Lucas, and Jim Henson simultaneously. You may have to explain why it’s OK to have a crush on the Goblin King, and it’s OK to want to watch this scene or this scene on repeat.
19. Little Monsters: Despite the presence of Howie Mandel, many people watch this movie and enjoy it. Kids will either be totally frightened or enlightened by learning about the monster-under-the-bed phenomenon. Where do they come from? What do they look like? What do they do? Why are they peeing in the apple juice?
